Journey to Me, Adventures in Self Reflecting

It all started with a hair cut. And for a woman it always has something to do with their hair. lol. A lot of people have asked me why I cut my hair and it's actually a complicated answer. 

A couple of months ago, June 2nd to be exact, I started a fitness challenge called PRX14. I borrowed money from my mother so I could do this challenge. I was that desperate for a change. I was overweight and unhappy and wondering why the heck am I single. Now mid August, I'm still single, still carrying a few extra lbs but feeling so much better about myself.

The difference a couple of months, a great support system and a commitment to myself can make. 

Before PRX14: I was unhappy. I had put on a happy front, but it was just that, a front. I didn't notice until after I lost some weight was how much my weight weighs me down, physically and mentally. I didn't see that I was literally stuck in a rut. I tried the online dating thing and it failed so horribly, it was tragic. On Facebook I think I wrote a post saying that I wanted to bring my sexy back, and of course great friends being supportive as they are, they said I didn't need it, I already was. But that's the thing, I did not feel it. I felt like an overweight blob in my clothes. If I didn't see my allure and my appeal who else was going to see it?

PRX14- Round 1: So then I started the PRX challenge, completely blind, not knowing what the heck I was getting myself into. The workout plan was hard and the diet was even harder. For me anyway, for others it was the other way around. But I did it, I took a chance and did something for myself. I sacrificed movie dates with friends and outings to avoid the temptation. The support from my two trainers was heart warming and comforting. When I had my breakdown on Day 8, Margie was there for me and talked with me as we walked laps. That talk was what kept me going when I was in such a negative place. I'm very grateful for that talk. On Day 13 Yusuf asked me what made me happy. And such a simple question, I had no answer for. These little things made me realize that they weren't there for the paycheck; these people were life changers and wanted to see the best in me. On weigh in day, I literally did a little happy dance because I lost 12 lbs. But then I saw my before and after pictures and I could not believe I had let myself go so much. But I was just focused to keep going. And right away had a mini break down on keeping the weight off, lol. (Which I blogged about here: Adventures in weight loss.) 

So back to my hair cut: I've always wanted to cut my hair, but I always felt that because I have such a round face I'd look overweight. Well I was overweight to begin with. And long hair or short hair, it really didn't matter. My hair is my one vanity I'm willing to admit to and I didn't want it to make me look fat. As women we tend to get attached to our hair; It's our security blanket. We hide behind it for some reason and for some it's our pride and joy. I didn't tell anyone about cutting my hair because I knew people were going to veto my decision, I've always had long hair. Even my aunt that was visiting from DR literally pulled my arm and told me not to go when I told her I was going to cut it.

But I woke up one Thursday and said fuck it, I'm going to cut my hair today. So I cut it and it was like another step in my journey to me. All of a sudden I felt sassy, slim, sexy and awesome and I was ready to take over the world. I feel like with those few snips of the hair dresser's scissors I was mentally letting go of my weight.

PRX14 Round 2 and Epiphanies: I decided to embark in round 2 of PRX and I think this might have been more powerful for me that the first go around. The realizations I made were more important than the additional 7lbs I lost. OK I lie, they were just as important. lol. 

I was hanging out with a friend when he asked me if I was attracting the kind of people I wanted to attract. My answer was I wasn't sure. But that question stood out in my head. I was in such a negative place because of my weight for so long the only thing I could attract was negativity. 

This PRX thing has been crazy. It's made a change physically and mentally in me. No I haven't reached my weight goal but I no longer feel disgusted with myself. I feel attractive and sexy again. In a way my self confidence is my high and my motivation to keep going. How will I stop working out and trying to reach my goal when just the journey enough is so fantastic? I'm meeting some fantastic people who have the same goals as I do. I'm more outgoing. I'm more talkative. I missed this in myself. I was like a wallflower who hadn't reached her potential. How can I let myself go when getting fit and working out gives me this high? I definitely don't want to lose this. 

My whole outlook has changed. I'm reconnecting with old friends and deepening casual relationships that I never gave a chance to develop because I was so busy being in a rut. I'm giddy with just the possibilities of new things and the discovery of getting to know someone new in my life. Finding someone who makes me smile is great. And giving people the chance to make me happy is even better. I've come to the realization that as I focus more on myself and my fitness goal I find I have more things to smile about. I've made a LOT of progress, I should be proud of it... Actually I am proud of it. And to answer his question, yea I do think I'm attracting people I want to attract. :)

Well my journey to me isn't complete. But is it ever? 

PS. Shout out to my motivators and cheerleaders: Margie, Yusuf, Gayra, Teida, M², Heilyn, Massiel, Johanna, Carlitos, Luis, Eunice & everyone else I may have missed who are part of Team Heimster!